Creating Space For Others

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

-Viktor E. Frankl-

TRUTH

We all want to belong. To be heard. To be valued. To matter. 

And as children of God, we have an inherent right to belong and to be heard. We are valued and we do matter. Yet…we lose sight of this truth. Or we’ve never been taught it. Or we struggle to believe it when others around us seek to diminish our value and our voice.

A 2022 study (Harvard Graduate School of Education) of 18-25 year olds revealed that 58% of these young adults reported having little or no meaning or purpose in their lives. And approximately 44% of them stated they do not matter to other people. This study also reported anxiety and depression in this age group almost double than that of younger teens.

I have not seen identical research with other age groups, though the data for mental health challenges are continuing to trend upwards, and annual reports over the past few years show a sharp increase in anxiety, depression, and suicide.

What do we do? For our kids? Our spouses? Our friends? Our neighbors? Our communities?

How do we create space for others that heals and encourages and lifts and teaches truth - the truth that each individual soul has significant worth and matters? We begin by embracing this truth.  And then, we teach that truth to others. 

BEAUTY

In every storybook, movie, and play we feel the dreadful moment of something or someone being lost; and we celebrate with the character as he or she finds their lost treasure or loved one. We each know the relief of “lost” being restored. 

So many souls in our world feel lost, and you and I - at times - might be included in this swath of people. We’re lost in distractions, we’re lost in knowing the next best steps forward, we’re lost as we pursue shiny objects and fortunes that do not bring peace or joy, and we’re lost in understanding our purpose and plan on earth. 

Where is the beauty in this dark? Where is the beauty in being lost and feeling abandoned, rejected, unworthy, and useless?

My friend, beauty is in the spaces. The lighted gaps between obstacles and demons. The moments of breath and gratitude and love between the grueling demands. It’s an emerging flower, a brazen sunset, the neighbor’s smile, a child’s laughter, your thank-you note. It’s an experience which comes through our seeing, hearing, feeling, touching, and feeling all which lifts us and appeals to us. It’s the moment we feel loved and valued - and know we matter.

Beauty is the path laid before us because of who we are and more importantly, whose we are. Yet, obstacles and challenges and fears often shroud our path, and we are left only with spaces. If you and I will focus on those beautiful spaces - those moments of light - we will assuredly be able to place one foot in front of the next, crossing and conquering the uncertainty and discouragement and dread.

As a college kid, I loved to run for exercise and mental escape. While running on a well-known road by the edge of town one afternoon, I noticed multiple rocks of varying sizes in my path. I was surprised by the number of rocks on the road, but didn’t slow down. Instead, I  focused on the rocks hoping I wouldn’t accidentally step on one. Within seconds, my foot hit a rock in a perfect spot to twist my ankle. My run was over and I gingerly limped back home.

I was unable to run again for a couple of weeks and was frustrated that I had been so foolish to actually sprain my ankle when I was so focused on not spraining my ankle. Within this timeframe of healing, I read an article about professional mountain bike racers. The author (a racer himself) commented that to safely and successfully navigate a mountainside, one must not focus on the several obstacles on the narrow path - rocks, roots, sticks, shrubs. Instead, you must focus on the spaces between the obstacles and aim your bike and toward these spaces. Everything clicked. I had focused on the rocks during my run and thus, I had hit a rock and suffered the consequences. 

Decades later, I can promise you that the hundreds of runs and walks I’ve participated in since that moment have focused on the clear spaces in my path. Yet, I still struggle, at times, with focusing on the “spaces” in other areas of my life. My vision drifts to the rocks (and what appears to be boulders) and roots and sticks and every other unpleasant, scary, exhausting, or seemingly-impossible impasse as I navigate this path called life. 

Even so - the spaces remain. And beauty is still the path, if I’m willing to look for it.

GOODNESS

Perhaps one of the greatest joys in life is helping others see the beauty - the spaces - on their own path. And life is always sweeter when we help create those spaces. 

Unlike mountain bike racing, our paths (purposefully) intertwine with others every day and we never need to race to the bottom.  Instead, a fullness and richness is experienced in slowing down and sincerely seeing and listening to others so we know how to create space for them.

When was the last time you and I noticed a stranger? I’m not talking about a casual glance, but an intentional observation of their expressions and communication and humanity that gave us insight into their personality and possibly, their hopes and desires and needs. When was the last time we intentionally observed and listened to a loved one?

If we want to be of value and importance, we must create space - through our time, our energy, and our intention - to let others know they are valued and important. Even, and perhaps, - especially - if their viewpoints, preferences, and perspectives are different than ours, creating space for other people builds and strengthens foundations of commonalities and develops courtesy, civility, respect, and even love. 

I know this is easier said than done, especially when discussing topics of personal interest imbued with emotion. Nonetheless, it is possible. Remember, the space is the lighted gap between the hard and tumultuous. We do not have to give in, change course, accept new beliefs, or agree in order to create space for others. We can rest in moments of listening without preceded judgement, of giving and serving without expectation of changed opinions, and recognizing and admitting that every single human we see and interact with is a daughter or son of God. And this truth alone helps us realize that the other person - even the one we vehemently might disagree with - is of as much value and worth as we are, and deeply loved by God.  

EXCELLENCE

So, let us start now in expanding our capacity to create space for others. We can start small and grow as we become more practiced and observe the fruits of our efforts. Here are a few, simple suggestions on our way to excellence in this undertaking:

• Apologize. For the small and the big. For the recent and past. Accept your part, your errors, your fault, your oversight, your weakness. It’s ok to be human. And it’s divine to seek forgiveness and mend relationships. The space and healing created in an apology can be exponential. 

• “Would you share with me why you think or feel this way?” - This is definitely not an automatic response for most of us when we are in a conversation of opinions. Yet, it’s an invitation for others to matter, for their perspective and opinion and life experience that has shaped those beliefs to matter. This question creates an opportunity for voices to be heard and recognized.

• Invitation + Time: This can be daunting, because we are busy people with to-do lists and responsibilities and deadlines. Yet, can you and I invite the neighbor to dinner next Sunday for an hour? Can we call our friend or new acquaintance and invite them to go on our morning walk? Can we accept invitations from others without running through a list of excuses in our minds? The answer is YES. 😉

• Compliment + 1 Question: Observe the stranger (yep, put the phone down) in the UPS line, the bookstore, or at the dentist’s office (aka, anywhere). See their light (even if it’s a great taste in shoes) and tell them. And follow up with a question. 

• EXAMPLES:

• “I love your nails. Where do you get them done?”

• “He’s (child) so cute. Where does he get his fun personality?

• “Thank you for opening the door. Where did you learn such good manners?”

• “I noticed how polite you were when she seemed impatient. What’s your trick?”

“When you let go, you’re creating space for something better.” -Unknown

A FINAL LOVE NOTE

As you create space for others, remember to fill your own cup. As you do so, your cup - your life -  will be a source of light and inspiration to all on your path.

"The most crucial task is to forge more life into your day. This does not mean new to-do's; it means less. It means creating space to think, walk, eat, sleep, read, love, dream.” 

- Brendon Burchard-

Remember - you are divine and loved. You are beautiful, worthy, and strong.

Lovingly,